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RELIGION FILM HUMOUR POETRY CONTACT _________________________________________________ Letters Dear Sir -- I think I may be French. I keep unintentionally ordering large deliveries of croissants, and sometimes I wake up in the early hours of the morning to discover I am in the kitchen, sniffing onions. What is your opinion? -- Monsieur, sous les ponts de Paris, rien de rien. Non, je ne regrette rien. J'suis le poinconneur de Lilas, et ou sont passes les ciseaux? Dormez-vous? (Dormez-vous?) La plume de ma tante est sur la bureau de mon oncle. Bonne chance!
Dear Sir -- I have two questions. Firstly, everyday conversation at the moment seems only to result in standundermistings. I have a tendency to say silly things and blurt out the strangest non-sequiturs that even I don't fully comprehend myself. I am rather paranoid that people simply humour me and pretend to understand, which is quite patronizing. What should I do? Secondly, is there a cheese? -- In response to your first question, I'm sure you're a lovely chap, and I'm certain the problem lies with these other mean people. Does that make you feel any better? The Oxford Dictionary of World Cheeses will probably be of more help to you with the second question. In particular, I recommend "Ardennes Region of France, Cheeses of the" (p18) and "Obscure Cheeses, Locating" (p397). Avoid "French Cheeses, Entertaining Qualities of" (p120), which entry I found to be full of misinformation, including the long-since-refuted myth that Louis XIV once went ten rounds with a block of Camembert and lost by default. (In actual fact, the great French king effortlessly took the match in less than three.)
Dear Sir --- Once a week I don a purple wig and braces and sit on the garage roof, whereupon I sing "Just a Gigolo" (with the record-player accompanying me) to entertain passers-by. My family say I am mad, and my wife is threatening to stop speaking to me. What do you think? It seems perfectly normal and healthy to me. A wig and braces is just the apparel needed to suit the slightly camp style of Louis Prima's hit. Of course, I'm assuming you are talking about the Prima original, rather than the later awful rendition by that chap with the hair. In that case, I'd have to agree with your wife's assessment: You're stark-staring bonkers and ought to be ashamed of yourself, if not locked up, you foolish old man. __________________________
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