Church face-off over 'panther piss'

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IN THE NEWS
Church face-off over "panther piss"

Correspondent Chuck Wineguard reports.

Only a few weeks after a debacle over a bowl of potato salad threatened to tear apart the Baptist Union of America, a cup of coffee has been the cause of controversy in a smalltown Pentecostal church in Wisconsin.

Congregants of First Pentecostal Assembly in Wilmington were shocked when the Reverend Bob Bright took to the platform after the service last Sunday and publicly denounced the cup of coffee in his hand as "panther piss".

"It's been going on fifteen years," he told worshippers, "and it's about time someone spoke up. Sheer, unadulterated panther piss."

Red-faced, and standing flustered before his stunned flock of forty-plus, Pastor Bright, 52, continued: "I've been silent long enough. I'm fed up with humble. I'm through with being servant-like. And another thing: I wanna know who the hell gets to the chocolate-chip cookies before me every damn single Sunday!"

According to witnesses, Bright continued for about ten minutes, rattling off a list of up to twenty complaints before elders intervened.

"To begin with, it was the coffee and cookies, and I figured he had a point, so I let him continue" said church elder Tom Conklin, "but then he turned on [name removed for legal reasons] who called him up after midnight one time to complain about the air-conditioning in the sanctuary. Before long he was picking on members of the church board. When he started with the impersonations, we thought it was time to do something."

Longtime church-members say that Pastor Bob, affectionately nicknamed "Pastor 24/7", has always been known for his patience and generosity, and they are baffled by this sudden fit of aggression.

"I once had him drive back over two states from his fishing weekend so he could come and settle a dispute at the Ladies' Fellowship," said Belinda Frump, 63, "and he never once complained. I don't know what's changed."

Elders are letting Bright have next weekend off, Conklin told us.

"Heck, after sixteen years here, he deserves a Sunday to himself," he said.

First Pentecostal are investigating alternative coffee options, including a potential brand-switch, and a number of younger worshippers have offered to cut back on cookies.