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RELIGION FILM HUMOUR POETRY CONTACT _________________________________________________ IN THE NEWS Correspondent Chuck Wineguard reports. This time last week, First Baptist Church of Raditch Falls, Idaho, was a happy, bubbly, united congregation. This week, parishioners of the 70-strong chapel are in disarray as a fierce debacle over a bowl of potato salad continues. "We got through the row over the ordination of women fine last year," Elder Corky McLean told us, "but this is a subject that really hits home with people. I'm not sure the church can survive this crisis." The controversy began at the Bible Sunday potluck last weekend. "I was doing the potato salad," said Miss Jones. "I always do the potato salad. For thirty years it has been understood that I do the potato salad." The 67-year-old spinster broke down at this point. "I honestly don't know what the problem is," shrugged Pam Larby, 30, an ex-model whose stunning looks have made her a popular congregant during her six months at First Baptist. "I just threw a few potatoes in with my special secret-recipe Dijon sauce and brought it along to the potluck like I always do." At first, according to bystanders, Miss Jones retreated to a corner to quietly fume before "bitching discreetly" to a few close acquaintances. But when it became apparent that Miss Larby's salad was disappearing rapidly, while Miss Jones's lay to one side, still in its Saran-Wrap, the bitter feuding began. "I saw Miss Jones walk over with the punch bowl and deliberately pour its contents over the [Dijon] potato salad," a witness told an ecclesiastical hearing yesterday. She then turned round and told everyone that there had been an 'unfortunate accident'." When Miss Larby announced that it "didn't matter" because she had another salad on standby in the car, Miss Jones apparently began to taunt her, denouncing her as a "common bimbo," and telling onlookers that "she doesn't fool me with her fancy Dijon mustard and false eyelashes." A distraught Miss Jones later managed to summon up to twenty-five ageing spinsters to join her in protest, with the result that elders were forced to come ogether for an emergency meeting withnational leaders yesterday. "Quite honestly, I don't see the problem," confessed President Richard Bumble. "The constitution of the American Baptist Union allows members free choice on the issue. Dijon was a good choice." His colleague, Ethel Barbridge, National Sunday School Co-ordinator, begged to differ. "It is clear to me that Miss Jones always made the potato salad," a visibly wrinkled Miss Barbridge told us as she peered over her horn-rimmed glasses. "That young Miss Larby knew exactly what she was doing when she brought along the Dijon." Meanwhile, concerns that Mr Fargher forgot to bring bread rolls, as well as accusations that Maisie Forshaw left the potluck with a plate of pickles that did not belong to her, are being put on the back-burner. "There are a few other issues still hanging in the air," Elder McClean told us, "but it's the potato salad that's the immediate concern, if not for the sake of local church unity, then for the sake of Christ and his kingdom worldwide. I've sought the Lord earnestly on this, and I'll be honest: Sometimes, I just don't know anymore." An investigation at national level continues. __________________________
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